Explaining God

"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth."

"He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers."

"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime."

"God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off."

"God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have."

"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church."

"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him."

"But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK. His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did."

"And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important."

"You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times."

"You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God."

"Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway."

"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can."

"It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids."

"But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases."

"And that's why I believe in God."

Computer Quotes

"If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0"

"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."

"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google."

"unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep" - my daily unix command list

"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." - Robert Firth

"If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise."

"The more I C, the less I see."


"To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password."

"After Perl everything else is just assembly language."

"If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough."

"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."


"Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are."

"COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods."

“Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” — Michael Sinz

"There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't."

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - This is not humorous by itself; but in the context it's a classic by Bill Gates in 1981

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

"Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer." - Erik Naggum

Marketing concepts...

A Professor at one of the IIM's was explaining marketing concepts to the Students:-


1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" -

That's Direct Marketing


2. You're at a party with a bunch of freinds and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up

to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising


3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next

day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing


4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her

and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it,

offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations


5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can
you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition


6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: I "I a m very rich. Marry me!"

She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That's Customer Feedback


7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And

she introduces you to her husband. - That's demand and supply gap


8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another

person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - That's

competition eating into your market share


9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!"

your wife arrives. - That's restriction for entering new markets.

The neglected wife

When Brahmadutta was ruling Banaras, Bodhisatva was born.
One day, the king became angry with his son and banished him from the kingdom. The prince left Banaras with his wife. They wandered in other lands for a long time suffering untold privations. On several occassions, the prince didn't have a roof over his head. He had also to go without food. His faithful wife shared all the hardships without a word of complaint.

As time passed, King Brahmadutta died. On learning the news, the prince thought he could now return to Banaras, and ascend the throne. So he and his wife started for Banaras, travelling day and night.In his anxiety to reach the capital as quickly as possible, he forgot to look after his wife's comfort. He forced her to walk as fast as he did and even to go without food and sleep as much as possible.

Though he was anxious to reach Banaras, he couldn;t resist from eating. One day,the couple reached a village in a state of great hunger. One of the villagers took pity on them and asked the prince to go with him to his house.Asking his wife to rest under a tree, he went with the villager.He gave the prince a parcel of food which would be enough for two. On his was back the prince thought,"This food is sufficient for two of us. I don't know when and where we;ll get our next meal.And Banaras is still very far off. It is more important that I reach Banaras. My wife need not hurry to get there. Even otherwise,she is being a hindrance to me.If not with her, I would have gone much farther by now. I must manage to eat all this food myself."

With his mind full of suh mean thoughts, the prince returned to where his wife was resting. "Here's some food", he told her,"You start walking, I shall catch up with you after my ablutions".

Believing him,she wearily walked ahead. The prince ate up all the food. He then made a bundle of the leaves in which the food had been packed an caught up with his wife.

"Look at the mischief," he told her showing the packet. "The rascal has fooled us with an empty parcel.There's no food in it."

His wife said nothing, but she could guess what might have happened. After some more days, they arrived in Banaras. The prince was duly crowned as the king. Thought she had shared all his hardships, he didn't feel it necessary to share his happiness with his queen.She was totally neglected by the king.

Bodhisatva, who had become the King's counsellor, noticed the state of affairs. One day, he wnet to see the queen who received him with due courtesy.

"After coming into good times, the king distributed gifts to all of us," he said."But I am yet to et anything from the hands of queen!"

"Sir," she said pitifully,"I'm the queen only in name. There's very little difference between me and the palace maids. I had dutifully shared all his misfortunes, but it looks as though i don't have the right to have a share of his fortune." She went to narrate to the counsellor how, on their way to Banaras, the prince had robbed her of her share of food."Even now," she said, " the king doesn't care to enquire whether I have had my food, what clothes I am wearing and so on."

"Don't worry, your hightness," Bodhisatva said, seeing that she was in tears,"I've suspected this , I came here only to know the truth from you. Let's repeat our conversation tomorrow in hte court. I'll see that the king doesn't neglect you anymore."

The next day, the queen was present at the court. Bodhisatva remarked in the full court that the queen had no thoughts for the poor since she became the queen.

Then the queen told the court all that she had told the counsellor the previous day. The King felt ashamed when she revealed how he had robbed her of her share of food while they were returning to Banaras.

"If the King is neglecting you," Bodhisatva told her, " there's no reason why you should stay with him. The scriptures tell us: Leave one who had left you. Don't make friends with him.You need not be nice to anyone who frowns at you.Birds leave the fruitless tree and seek other trees. The world is wide. So, you can get out into the world and seek those who will be considerate to you.

Hering this, the King left the throne and fell at Bodhisatva's feet. 'O wise counsellor! Don't put me to shame!' he begged. "I shall henceforth treat my wife with respect. I apologise for what I have done."

You will get mad after reading this ( Read at your own risk )

I got this essay in a forum and it was very funny so enjoy it..

Indian Cow

HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man.

But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the
milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such
attachment ]

What can it do? Various butter, cream, curd, why
and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

His motion is slow only because he is of lazy
species.Also his other motion.. [from the backyard] is much
useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat
cakes[like Pizza ] , in hand , and drying in the sun.

Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding
after eating.
Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are
situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in
the grass.

His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

He has got tails also, situated in the backyard,
but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the
other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch.

So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts . His eyes and nose are like his other
relatives.

This is the cow.......

We are informed that the candidate passed the exam.and is now an IAS, is bihar in somewhere..sorry somewhere in Bihar

Paris Hilton is coming to town!

To the tune of "Santa Clause is coming to town"

She'll sleep with a girl, she'll sleep with a guy.

She'll make you hurl I'm tellin you why.

Paris Hilton's Coming to town.

She'll take off from the "Simple Life".

She'll tape you both when you sleep.

You won't want her to be your wife.

Cause man can she be cheap.

Oh,She'll sleep with a girl, she'll sleep with a guy.

She'll make you hurl I'm tellin you why.

Paris Hilton's coming to town

She's takin your friends, and doin them twice.

You better believe she's setting a price.

Paris Hilton's Coming.

Boy, is Paris Cumming.

Paris Hilton's Coming to town!

Souce : masalafourm

Degrees of Girls

B.A : Beautiful Angel

B.E. : Beautiful Eyes

B.Sc : Beautiful Structure

B.L. : Beautiful Lips

B.Com : Beautiful Completely

M.B.A. : Married but Available

Titanic Indian version

• If the Titanic was made in India:
• 10. There would be 10 times as many people on the ship.
• 9. There has to be a song with a girl wearing a white dress, singing in the rain.
• 8. By the end of the movie he finds his mom, dad, sister and brother.
• 7. It's seven and half-hours long.
• 6. The movie would be called "Doobta Hua Pyar".
• 5. Kate Winslet played by Madhuri Dixit, and Leonard Di' Caprio played by Salman Khan.
• 4. The boat would sink, because there are too many people on it.
• 3. None of the people would float for long cause of the saris.
• 2. They would be serving mango fruity on the boat.
• 1. Wait a minute it was an Indian movie if you think about it.

AND

Can you imagine how many times we would hear "Bachaoooo"!!!

PS: The hero, heroine, his mom, dad, sister and brother will float in the cold water for days and yet survive. The villain will drown in the first drops of water.

You've been programming too long when

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

Soft and Hard

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Friendship Jokes

True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere.

FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive, Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand, Not what U see but how U feel, and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!!

FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd, BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~!

If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!

FRIENDSHIP is like a tree... It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be, but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN...

Without humor, life sux. Without courage, life is hard. Without love, life is hopeless. Without friends like you, life is impossible!

A good friend is like a computer; me 'enter' ur life, 'save' u in my heart, 'format' ur problems, 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory!

In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You'll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE!

I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends.

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.

The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you.

I met U as a stranger, I leave U as a friend, as long as the world stands, our friendship nv ends. All friends nv split N even if they do they will meet again.

I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling, but I realised tat loving a friend is even better, we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends.

EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE, ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat, LifE woUlD be BORING, WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U...

DuRiNg OuR FrIeNdShIp, ThErE wIlL B TiMeS U wOn't SeE Me BeSiDe U, DuN ThInK I LeFt U BeHiNd, I JuSt ChOsE To WaLk BeHiNd U So I CaN CaTcH U WhEn U Fall...

MAKING LOVE

After making love, wat r u tryin to say? I love u? Wrong! 1 more time? Wrong. U r so pretty?Wrong. I'm so tired? Wrong! The answer is tissue...tissue...plsss!!!

hindi sms

Hamko kyon tumne bhula diya
Dekhe hansi hontho pe
Phir kyon itna rula diya

Jin hatho ka tha sahara
Unhone hee duba diya
Hamko chhod majdhaar
Khud sahil pe gaya

Mere gum kee ye daasta
Sunta hai zameen ashmma
Ek na sune wahi
Jiske liye jita hoon yahana

Hamko mila ye kya sila
bhulyaa jinke liye sabko
Unhone hee hamko kyon bhula diya

Dard hai dil main
Ankho main anshoo mere
Din ke ujale main
ab bhee sapne dekhoon tere

Na hai ab koi manjil
Mile na kohi raste
Lagta hai jese ye jindgi
Mili hame Gum ke waste

Bhula esa kyon diya
Jee na paaye chahkar bhee
Hum to tumko bhula na paayenge
shayad ab to markar bhee